The Facial Break

This was written when I first decided to leave my ex.  But I'm sure this is something that many of you can relate too.

When we get what we want, do we long to keep it?  I ponder.  I wonder.  It's like getting those Steve Madden boots you've had your eye on for 4 months and you finally save up enough money to buy them and, well, you don't have anything to wear with them.  So you wear them once and they take their permanent position in the back corner of your dark closet. 

I wanted someone.  So bad that I needed him.  So bad that all my thoughts were about him.  He made me laugh.  We had fun together.  He had that same free spirit that I did.  Our souls were mates, I just felt it.  Two years later.....I'm wondering what happened to him.  I'm wondering where he disappeared.  I'm wondering why he won't come back. 

Love is a twisted and funny thing.  It's everything you expected and is everything unexpected.  I'm a victim of loving with my mind.  Therefore, I've never experienced a broken heart.  Although, I've broken a few (unintentionally and intentionally).  I'm a victim of thinking too much.  My mind takes control of the emotions my heart is feeling and construes them into mush. 

But I'm not just the victim.  I'm the suspect too.  I'm the one that allows myself to go so far that eventually I turn into the victim.  I'm so many people inside one body.  I'm the lover, the hater, the fighter, the comedian, the smart ass, the cry baby, the prey, the predator. 

I used to think I knew who I was.  I don't know who that person is anymore.  I'm a shell.  

A shell.