Life. What is the meaning of Life? You're born, you live, you die. If you're lucky, you enjoy it and make amazing memories. Well, like my uncle Mark always said "If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all". Truer words have never been spoken.
I found out I was pregnant in May. Overjoyed and Happiness would be appropriate to describe how my husband and I felt. We had been trying for a while to conceive. My husband has 2 children, a girl and a boy. Me of course, having 2 girls, I just knew I would be blessed with my boy.
Well, I was blessed with a boy but also with many complications through out my pregnancy. At 16 weeks, after having severe pain with some bleeding, I made a trip to the hospital and an ultrasound was performed. Strong heart beat, growing baby, but very little amniotic fluid. Normal fluid ranges from 5 - 25, mine was 3.5. My doctor scheduled another ultrasound in 2 weeks and I was told to drink 64oz of fluids a day. Wow!! That's alot but I tried like she told me to do. 2 weeks later, 18 weeks pregnant, I went for another ultrasound. The news was not what we had expected or hoped for.
My amniotic fluid had dropped from 3.5 to 1.2. Reason being my baby did not have a right kidney and the left kidney was cystic and not functioning. With no fluid for the baby, he was unable to stretch or move, which is vital for a growing baby's bone growth and muscle function. I then had to make the hardest decision of my life.
That afternoon, after meeting with my doctor, my only options were to go ahead and deliver my baby boy at 19 weeks with no chance of sustaining life or wait and basically let nature takes it's course (meaning the baby would not have survived to full term or birth). Why? Why? Why? I was in more pain than any human being should ever have to feel. But because I did not want my baby boy to suffer, I made the decision to deliver him at 19 weeks and allow him to grow his wings and become my little angel.
I had to go through the whole labor and delivery process, as any women being induced would have to endure in order to birth a baby. Except, I knew the outcome would be very different. My baby would not come out crying. My baby would not come out ready for the world. My baby would have no chance of surviving.
My son, Tucker Michael Brousseau, was born at 9:15pm on August 14th, 2012. He was tiny, as you could imagine a baby would be at 19 weeks. I couldn't bare to see my son like that but my Husband spent time with him, checking all of his fingers and toes. My husband said he looked peaceful, like an angel. That comforted me but I still did not want to even imagine this baby that I had carried for 19 weeks lying there with no life in him.
The nurses at the hospital were amazing through out my 3 day stay there. They were compassionate, caring, held my hand, allowed me to cry to them, listened to my fears and fight back my tears. They made a memory box for my Tucker. They took pictures, put his blanket and gown in there, made his little footprints and handprints on a card. They comforted me and my husband, went above and beyond for us. I couldn't be more thankful for such wonderful people during the worst experience in my life.
So now, you see, why I ask why. Life. Although my Tucker was not able to live, he was a life. A life lost because God needed him more than we did. So that is why I ask What is life? Is it an idea, a thought, a story? It is all of the above. Not all of us get to necessarily live, but there is life. And life is what you make it.
God Bless
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